A Toast to Today!

 It is coming up on a year since I was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure (CHF). After spending a week in the hospital and coming home I felt like my whole life had been turned upside down and I didn't know what was going to happen next. I didn't know when I would be able to go back to work, how long they were going to let me work and how my bills were going to be taken care of. In the midst of all these health issues, my divorce had just gone final in May and I owned a house that I couldn't take care of anymore. I was scared, okay petrified is more like it. I was full of fear for many reasons. Just because I had been released didn't exactly mean I was better or that they fixed me. According to the doctors we still had a long way to go. It would be at least 2 weeks before I could go back to work on just a part-time basis, and there would be trial and error with new medicines. When I finally did see my doctor he did let me go back to work part-time but there was the fear of not being able to go back full time. As much as I tried to prove I could go back to work on a full time basis, I had to admit things were just not as easy as they used to be. I was tired after just 4 hours of work. I couldn't even handle everyday activities at home such as washing dishes or cooking without getting short of breath or turning a little blue around my lips. I knew something had to give and as I searched for a happy medium to make it all work, I finally came to the sad realization that if I wanted to live a happy, healthy life I couldn't work for now. But I told myself just for a little bit, just for now, this is not for forever! I will go back to work and I will be better than ever.
 The doctor's came up with a plan and I started cardiac rehab and after the rehab was over I would be re-tested again and see what the next step was going to be. So I started a 12 week cardiac rehab program in February that I am sad to say I have not yet completed yet. I haven't completed it for alot of reasons. I have gone out of town a lot. At first I was feeling very guilty for traveling but then I realized how lucky I was. I was spending time with family, friends, and just relaxing. I was finally doing what the doctors wanted I was taking care of myself. 
  In the beginning of cardiac rehab I have to admit, I didn't want to do it and I didn't want to be there. I was the youngest person in the program and most of the people who were there had heart attacks, bypass surgery, and stents. I was so different. So I fought myself alot and the people who loved me almost daily about going to rehab. I missed many days just staying in bed and doing almost anything but going to rehab. I knew in the long run it was only hurting myself but at this time I was so angry. I was angry and disappointed in myself. How could I let this happen, how did I let myself get this far? I wasn't this sick was I? I just needed to pull myself together get through this rehab and get myself back to work!
 Over the past year, I have learned that no matter what I want and what I think I am going to do, God always has another way; He has his own plan! I have faced many different emotions over the past year from anger all the way to peace! I have come to accept that yes I am sick; but that doesn't mean I am going to die and there are many things I can do to help myself and those I love. I still have a purpose here in this life. For right now, I am living day by day, enjoying life and what comes with it whether good or bad. Everyday, is a new step in the right direction. I am learning everyday how to live with the emotions that I am going through and I can only thank God for His grace, mercy, love and patience. I also can thank my family, Jesse and friends for their patience with me too! I am not always a ray of sunshine :-)
  Today, I am okay! I don't know what the future holds, but I hold the hand of the one who knows my future and for me right now that is all I need to know!